Rule#6 Know Some Distinct Arab Courtesies 6(c)

Every country has their own courtesies specific to their culture.  Some of them may be similar to other cultures, while some may stand out as peculiar.  When I lived in Jordan, I never noticed the oddness of some of the Arab courtesies, since I grew up practicing and accepting them.  It was only until I moved to Canada and saw the difference in some of these practices, did I realize how funny some of these habits are.  The way we introduce one another, how invite each other out, how we deal with being invited, how we say goodbye, all were different from east to west.  And I decided I had to share some of those differences that I felt stood out the most.  So here you go!  Here are a couple fascinating Arab courtesies:

1) Introductory kisses.  This could get quite complex.  When you’re having a bunch of people over the first thing to do once you greet them at the door is give them kisses on the cheek.  Traditionally, people usually go for one kiss on each cheek, or two kisses on one cheek and one kiss on the other.  However, some people just aren’t satisfied with just that.  There always those relatives that make greetings so confusing and complicated.  I’ve been stuck in awkward 4o kisses per cheek and I had no idea how many to plant on each cheek, it was just a nightmare.  So my cousin gave me a little tip, which completely solved this issue.  She told me the trick is to stand still and let the other person lead.  That way you avoid the confusion of deciding which kiss needs to go on which cheek.  Problem solved!

Greeting Process

2) The battle for the bill.  This is probably one of the more interesting ones.  If you go to a restaurant and you hear a bunch of people yelling at each other “LA WALAH! I got it!” let me tell you who they are: Arabs fighting over the bill.  When my dad used to invite his friends/family out, it always becomes a scene near the end.  I guess it’s a sign of generosity, or it could just be because we have too much god damn pride, but even if you are the person invited you have to insist on paying the bill!  Most of the time the person invited doesn’t end up paying anything, but for some reason this cannot happen without a fight.  So next time you’re out with you friends try offering to pay the bill.  I did this once during high school in Canada and response was “Ya, ok cool.  Thanks!” I was confused!

3) The invite competition.  I’ve seen my mom do this so many times, and it is hilarious.  Whenever we get invited to a dinner party, my mom always has to note the standard of effort put into the event.  First comes first, when invited to a dinner party there is no question that you need to invite them back over.  You can see how this turns into a vicious never ending cycle, which is why learning how to survive a dinner feast is essential to being an Arab.  The question here becomes how much time my mom needs to invest during her next dinner preparation.  I see how she calculates the effort into preparing the dinner, the dessert, and the activities, to equal out how much effort she needs to put into the upcoming dinner feast.  For example, if the host brings in a cake from a bakery, my mom can do the same, but if she bakes it on her own then my mom has to bake the cake as well when she invites the host over.  Its pretty funny.

4)  The awkward door scene.  This happens all the time!  When you get to a door at the same time as someone else, there always this awkward minute of offering each other to go in first.  Soon you find yourself in a similar situation as in the “battling for the bill”, fighting with the other person to go in first!

What happens in Canada #closeenough!

5) Goodbye is a 4 step process.  Saying goodbye is probably the most tiring part after a large dinner feast.  You have to do this every time one of the guests gets up!  It’s such a process that one of the other courtesies in Arab culture is to try and synchronize with the guests on when to get up at the same time so this process doesn’t need to happen more than once.  First step is getting up and saying goodbye.  Then there’s goodbye’s a step or two closer to the exit of the diner room.  Then there’s goodbye’s and kisses next to the main entrance door.  Then there’s goodbye’s outside the door as the guests head into their car or elevator.  Like I said, it’s a process.

Well that’s a wrap, hope you enjoyed these 5 distinct arab courtesies!  The video below made by subeetube is about the significance of hand gestures to arabs. Check it out, its pretty funny!  If you have a certain topic of interest you want me to discuss let me know in the comment section below, and I will make sure to write about it!

Rule#5 Having A Picnic- Arab Style (5c)

Picnic in the Middle of nowhere

Picnics are essential for the bonding of Arab families, so as a child going to every trip was mandatory.  My parents would take us out at a minimum of once every month to place in a middle of nowhere, where there was barely any trace of human life.  There was nothing but nature to surround us.  Sounds pretty creepy right?  Well as a snobby teen, these trips seemed like torture to me.  I felt like I was on lock down, and these trips were a strategic way to force us to have “quality time” with our parents.  The fact that my parents never allowed us to listen to our iPods no matter how long it took to get to our destination didn’t help.  I was out of my comfort zone and I couldn’t tune out or disconnect through my heavy metal music.  To make matters worse, with every trip each member of the family had to engage in a practice called the “circle of trust”.  We all had to sit in a circle and individually share our secrets with the family.  This was supposed to bind us “closer” as family, but really my brothers and I pretty much used everything shared as potential blackmail material.

This was all pretty much unique to my family, but there are a few steps I realized that all Middle Eastern families do when going on a picnic.  Here are a few I’m sure you’ll enjoy:

1) The process of packing food.  This usually starts way earlier than it needs to, say 5am, so that you/your parents can notoriously over pack the coolers with food.  Some of the essential food items include: tea, a variation of tea biscuits, manakish (dough topped with thyme, cheese, or ground meat), sandwich wraps, and juice.  If this was a picnic joined by more than one family, say your cousins were coming too, they had to bring their own individual cooler packed with food.  I don’t know why this is, it just is.

2) Arabic mixed tapes.  Make sure you have a variety of Arabic mixed tapes; you know, classical, contemporary pop, everything.  The purpose of the mixed tapes is for you and your family to take turns singing each verse and create mayhem on the road.  Oh, but it doesn’t end there.  Make sure to get a portable cassette player so you can bring those tapes with you to your the picnic!  Playing this version of karaoke is also important for the bonding process.

Variety of mixed tapes…

3) Bring food for the car ride.  This habit is best characterized as a “first world problem”.  Considering our cooler is packed, we can’t really touch the food since we’re saving it until we arrive to our destination.  But “what if” we get hungry on the road?  You always have to cover your bounds and get some extra snacks.  Usually, the food variety consists of nuts, chips, pop, and ice cream.  If you pass by a falafel place on the way, then definitely stop there as well.

First World Problems

4) Bring your pillows and a blanket.  There’s always that chance that you’ll spend more than an hour on the road, and considering  you’ve all gotten up early to pack the coolers, by the time its 10am you should feel drowsy as hell.  Of course, you can’t go to sleep right away, you first have to engage in step 1&2 mentioned above.  By the time you’ve given your part in the “family bonding process”, the effect will be stronger than xanax to your body.  Enjoy your sleep while it lasts (unless you’re driving), because chances are this trip is going to be more than 6 hours long.

5) Bring an extra pair of clothes and your swim suit.  The thing is, you never really know where things may lead during these family outings.  Usually my parents start driving without any inclination to where we are going.  So they always tell us to bring a change of clothes that we never end up using.  You know, “what if” we end up at a park and decide to dip in the lake?  No one wants to miss out on that.  I think I’ve established that the “what if” question is the one cause to most our problems.

So there you have it, now each of you can have a picnic Arab Style!  Let me know what you think the next topic should be in the comment section below!

Rule#4 How to Impress your Friend’s/Lover’s Middle Eastern Parents (4c)

We’ve all been there!

This is a tricky one!  Parents in general are not the easiest people to impress, and when you add Middle Eastern to the mix, the situation just became ten times harder.  They are nosy, they are pushy, and they are very hard to get along with.  By now my mom and dad are probably shaking their head and thinking, “No, no, that’s not us!  We should have a talk with this one.  Pshh, Saying we’re nosy and pushy and then posting it on the web.” I love you two and I really hope I don’t get in trouble for this! And to all other parents who come across this blog post, peace and love to all of you, trust me I know you do this for your children’s best interest… somehow.

But back to the issue, for some reason in Middle Eastern culture the horror of getting along with your in-laws is stressed everywhere throughout the media.  There’s always something about and evil mother in law or a continuously pissed of father in law.  I personally get extremely anxious when I introducing my parents to my friends in general, let alone my boyfriend (like that will ever happen).  It’s as if their already prevalent judgment radar spikes and literally everything my friends say or do is taken into account and possibly used as ammunition against them.  This phenomenon especially happens when I introduce my parents to my friends from different cultures.  It usually goes down to a battle of traditions; on one side my brothers and I are trying to rationalize the importance of diversity, and on the other hand my parents defending the “perfection” of our culture.

By now, I’m sure you’re all wondering, “How in the hell do we get on their good side?”.  So without keeping you all waiting, here are a few steps on how to impress Middle Eastern parents:

1) Continuous flattery.  As I’ve mentioned in my first blog post, Arab’s are a proud bunch of people, so complementing them/their house/ their food/ their clothes/ their furniture/ their décor (virtually everything they own or do), will really go a long way.  And thank them for everything!  Just make sure to keep it natural, they know a try hard when they see one, and that never settles well.

How they really feel

2) Bring a gift or food platter.  Preferably, make it something revolving Middle Eastern culture.  If you show that you’re familiar with Middle eastern tradition it will definitely give them the ego boost they need.

3) Help around the kitchen.  In the case you are invited to dinner, make sure you help the mom out in the kitchen, whether by bringing in the platters, or setting the table, or cleaning the dishes.  Under no circumstance does doing nothing work to your benefit, always keep you hands full and your smile shining.

4) Know a thing or two about politics.  If you have Middle Eastern friends, you already know that we are suckers for politics.  There always has to be a good 30 minutes of the day that revolves around discussing politics in the Middle East.  Whether it be about the new US foreign policies and the effect they will have on east, or about the political unrest around the Middle East, something is bound to come up.  Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!  Be prepared!

5) Impressive career path.  If you work as a lawyer, doctor (or in any of the sciences), or engineer don’t think twice about casually slipping it in the conversation.  There is a really odd obsession with these three professions in eastern culture.  If you aren’t one of the above three, but you graduated from a prestigious university, make sure to mention that as well.  Lastly, if you don’t fall under the above two categories, just make sure you make your profession sound like the most interesting, engaging and valuable field there is for the future.

Proudly carry your profession!

Well I hope these points helped!  Check out the below video by Fouseytoube, which shows other funny Middle Eastern parent’s characteristics.  Skip to 1:47 to see the section that relates to todays post!

Rule#3 How to drive like an Arab (3c)

swerving is famous in UAE

Even though I have my G2, I noticed there’s a big difference in driving techniques used from east to west.  During my last visit to Amman, Jordan, I remembered just how unique Arabic driving is. Retaking driving lessons was not an option; I had to brush up on my Middle Eastern “driving skills”.  On one hand, to master the art of driving in Jordan, attitude is a must.  The road is your conquest and it is yours for the taking.  And on the other hand, in Canada, driving is all about following a few simple steps and procedures, nothing complicated, it’s all by the book. So without further ado, here are some pointers that would prepare you to drive like an Arab:

1)   Disregarding stop signs.  The moment you decide to stop at a stop sign, you just won yourself a hoard of angry honking, and screeching brakes.  Not to mention your chances of getting rear-ended is now increased by about 100%.  Yup, true fact!

2)   Zig zag through traffic.  The one thing I love about driving in the Middle East is that I never have to frustrate myself with waiting in traffic.  You know what they say: there’s always room for one more!  So, if you find yourself stuck at a crowded round about, the last thing you should do is wait in line.  Sneak your way in there! Otherwise, you’ll never get to where you want to go, since chances are everyone else around you is trying to do the same thing.

premise of zig zaging

3)     Forget about lanes.  Most of the time, lanes are already faded out enough so that they’re barely visible anyways. But that’s no reason to worry, just use common sense with rough approximation and that should be enough skill to help you pummel through any situation.  This also makes the “zig zagging” process a lot easier.

4)   Use your horn.  Someone slowing traffic?  One certain way to get his engine rolling is an orchestra blowing from behind.  Also, don’t shy away from using your horn for practically anything that gets in your way or causes you to grow impatient.  Sound your presence so you’ll be taken seriously.

Sound your presence

5)   No to seat belts, yes to blasting music.  You will hardly find someone in the Middle East with their seat belt strapped on and two hands on the wheel at the same time. Primarily reason being that you’ll never be ticketed for it.  So there really isn’t  much there to bind us to the law.  Along with using your horn, blasting music is another way to mark your presence.  That’s right just blast those tracks that best represent you and drive on through!

And there you have it!  Points on how to drive like an Arab.  The video below, by ArabFunnys, is a video of an arabic driving instructor teaching a canadian teen how to drive.  It’s a good visual summary of everything I’ve said and more.  So take a look!

Rule#2 How to Survive an Arabic Feast (2c)

The Itis: your state of mind by the end of the meal

It’s that day of the week again and I already feel the sweat on my brow.  As my younger cousins and brothers make their way to the dinner table, I help my aunts and uncles carry in the four overweight platters of food along with the numerous side dishes.  We all sit and start filling our glasses with pop and fruit juices of our choice.  Our grandma starts loading our plates and stuffing us like thanksgiving turkey.  Unless I find a way to excuse myself for a good half hour, my plate will never be left empty.  I feel like I’m in a segment of epic meal time arabian style.  Near the end of it all I’m overwhelmed with the itis, a sensation you only feel from overeating.  I’m left sweating, gasping for air, and overcome by drowsiness.  I wish I could say it ends there, but everyone knows, feast is not a feast without dessert and the portions don’t become any more merciful.

Since my last visit to Jordan my immunity to gobble food down effortlessly has shamefully gone down.  University student budgeting has put a dent my eating skills, and I was forced to think of a new way to protect myself from the unavoidable trip to the Middle East every summer.

Here are a few points of advice for all you readers on how to survive an arabic dinner feast:

1)  Have a light breakfast and no lunch.  This is to make sure you prepare yourself physically and mentally for portions that would boggle your mind.  Make sure you arrive not only hungry, but starving and ready to go!  Trust me, you’ll need the extra space.

2)  Bring a pair of sweats.  Extra sweat pants in situations like these will go a long way for you.  If you end up wearing anything else while you’re at the dinner table, I promise you that near the end you would have unzipped your pants for relief.  Otherwise, you will find yourself in the uncomfortable feeling of your belly pouring over and your pants digging into your sides.

What your stomach will look like after the meal

3)  Don’t be overwhelmed by the portions.  The host will most definitely overcook quantities that can feed a whole neighbourhood   Expect them to restock your plate 7-8 times.  Try to narrow the amount of servings down by eating slowly, and engaging in deep conversation across the dinner table.  Don’t forget to thank the host every 5 seconds, you don’t want them to think you’re not enjoying your meal.  That way you’ll avoid them reloading you plate with other platters to ensure you are satisfied with the quality of food.  The main challenge is to try to distract the host from refilling your plate, because once she/he offers one there is no turning back and you cannot say no!

my mom’s portions at a dinner feast!

4)  Standing up is always better than sitting down.  Let me introduce you to the second most common area you will spend your visit other than in the guest room.  By the end of your hearty meal, you’ll find that almost everyone (excluding the kids) will evacuate to the terrace/balcony where they can engage in their nasty habit of smoking.  I’m not exactly sure why smoking is such a common habit in Middle Eastern culture, but I think its because they believe  it helps with digestion. If you cannot stomach the idea of smoking, the act of standing and stretching will help alleviate the stress on your weary stomach.

5)  Make room for dessert!  Even while you’re eating, make sure to keep in mind that there is a large portion of dessert waiting for you in an hour and in equally baffling quantities.  Drink as little water/drinks, and set a goal of trying to eat no more than 3 servings (since you’ll never get away with less).  Take small pieces of each platters of sweets and make sure to nibble on them ever so slowly.  This is the time where you continuously ask for a refill of coffee/tea so that you preoccupy the host from restocking your plate. And remember, keep those “thank you’s” coming!

And there you have it.  5 ways to avoid death at a Middle Eastern feast!

Rule#1 Be Loud and Proud (1c)

Pride is generally assumed to be a positive thing in moderate doses, just as being loud can potentially be a good thing to mark your presence.  But it is a complex balance between the two that generates quite a peculiar being: the Arab.  Being born and raised an Arab, I now notice how these two features are prevalent in my persona, and I can’t help it!  I realized, there are a few adamant habits that contribute to ingraining these two qualities.  Below is a list of my favorite ones:

1) Loud phone calls.  I don’t know what is that causes the switch to flip, but every time I see an Arab talking on their house or cell phone the volume goes up right about 10 notches.  Explanation?  None.  It gets so bad that people around the person receiving the call can usually hear in on the conversation.  I have no clue how to explain it because it’s a strange phenomenon that happens to me as well every time I pick up a phone.

2) Arabic paraphernalia.   A constant reminder that keeps that pride in check is the hoard of Arabic stuff (decorations, accessories, etc.) that we have literally lying around everywhere!  There is always Shisha, religious passages written in Arabic calligraphy, and flags in our homes.  We all have Middle Eastern Scarfs and bracelets, necklaces and rings in flag patters.  In the car, there’s the prayer beads, the miniature flags hanging from the front view mirror, maybe a bumper sticker saying “Proud to be Arab”.  I’m going to tell you right now I’m guilty of having every one of those except for the last one, because that’s just pushing it.  But seriously, it’s a ridiculous addiction.

3) Loud music in cars.  I cannot possibly sit in a car with low volume music.  It has to be loud, and I have to be singing, and someone needs to complain for me to feel satisfied.  In Middle Eastern culture taking random “drives” around the block is actually something everyone does.  I believe we all do it to blast on music and sing along in an obnoxiously disturbing manner.  Yaaa, we’re not very mature, but you have to admit it does sound like a good stress reliever!

One does not!

4) ‘The Arab way is always right’ syndrome.  Now I have to say this is more of an Arab parent type perspective, you know the older generation.  It’s usually used as a defense mechanism, specifically when children act like western pop stars they see in the media.  As a teen, I personally used to hate this trait, especially when my parents used it on me as an excuse to be stricter.   I still don’t get it, but it does work as a booster of pride.

So there you have it! I hope you enjoyed this post, let me know of any other topics you would like to me to discuss.  On another note, check out this video by fouseytube that talks about things you should not say to Middle Eastern moms.  Skip to 1:26 if you want to watch what Arabs on the phone really sound like!